hi there, english is not my native language, so i don’t really know how to say this properly without sounds awkward or anything. i stumbled across your tumblr and i feel related with a lot of your posts since i’ve been suffering with depression too. i’ve been dealing with it for four years before i got into a motorcycle accident in 2007 and suffer from amnesia for a year. i gained my memories back but somehow my depression just got worse after that, until one day i just felt overwhelmed by the devastating feeling of nothingness unlike any other day then my heart start to pounding so hard and it was really painful and i cant suck any air to my lungs, literally cant breathe at all. some might say it was an acute form of anxiety attack or something but i just literally forget how to breath, thats how i felt. its the scariest moment in my life, even scarier than that moment when a sudden realization hit me that i cant go to my college’s building roof again like i used to because i cant trust myself not to jump off it. unlike you who’s still think of the others and how they might feeling if you’re leaving, i didnt commit suicide even though i thought about it hundreds of time just purely out of my selfishness, i’m a coward and i’m afraid of the uncertainty that comes after it, what would happen to me, whats the guarantee that its a better option, would i really wouldn’t feel anything after i did it, what if i still suffer even after i did it and died, etcetc. anw, i’m undergoing a treatment right now, seeing a therapist and do some psychotherapy things. i refuse to take pills or antidepressant though, because i don’t want to deal with the withdrawal effects. i cant really say if the therapy is an ultimate answer/way out for me, but it helps in a way. at least now i can “feel” and express it better, rather than drowning in i-cant-feel-anything all the time. there are good and bad days, still. but i manage it. my world is still pretty much detached from others, but rather than beating my self over it, i came to the term with it. i don’t expect myself to be ‘cured’ completely but thats actually one thing that help me the most, i guess. i will always be this someday sad person, another day a numb person, most of the time a lost person, and always lonely and cant help but keep on think think think…but somehow i’m okay with it now. there are still days when i hate myself i barely cant stand it but there are more and more days when i feel like i’m getting better feeling okay with myself, the twisted mind and all. i don’t know where am i going with all of this or what am i waiting to happen, but i’m still waiting for it anyway and hoping that i’m getting there. i’m not gonna say that you should do this or that (because i dont know better myself plus i used to hate it when people did it to me) and i’m not gonna say i understand exactly how you are feeling, because i’m not and no one ever will. we might fight the same thing, that is a depression, but each of our battle is different. and i dont even know why i tell you all of this. and why i care (because i usually an indifferent person), but thats the fact, even though we’re stranger, i do care of you. the truth is my heart hurt for you. okay that sounds creepy. i don’t know how to put it in a simple and not lame way, but for unconventional and undefined reason i’m grateful for you. i’m still struggling with religion issue and i cant really say if i do or do not believe in god. but if there really is god or higher divine being out there, from the bottom of my heart i pray and wish you’ll be okay and fine, someday somehow.